This special tool is like a lubricant to keeping communication open in relationships. It is called validation. To validate means to acknowledge and accept the unique identity and individuality of a person. When you validate someone, you allow him/her to safely express feelings and thoughts. You provide reassurance that it’s okay to hold certain feelings and ideas. And by doing so, you allow the person a chance to feel heard, understood, acknowledged and accepted.

On the other hand, invalidation involves rejecting, ignoring or judging the feelings of another. In fact, if a “wall”—or communication block—exists between you and someone else, it’s probably a direct result of invalidation. In order for communication to flow freely again, validation techniques must be used to successfully break down this wall. Validation requires active listening.

To effectively validate someone during a conversation, make eye contact and “listening” body language with arms unfolded, legs not crossed, and an attentive facial expression. Add to this body language the phrases such as:

• “I hear you.”
• “I can understand how you feel.”
• “I would feel the same way.”
• “I would be (sad/angry/hurt/envious/excited/happy, etc.) too.”
• “It sounds like you’re feeling really________(insert emotion).”
• “I get what you’re saying.”

When someone is sharing feelings or beliefs, be careful to validate before proceeding with your opinion of what has just been said.

Especially when your partner is struggling with hurt feelings, frustration, fear or anger, consider this: When you truly listen to the words of another, you demonstrate sincere interest and that you truly value their thoughts, feelings and ideas. In effect, you send a message that you truly care enough about your partner to see the issue from his/her perspective.

In turn, he or she feels heard and validated. It’s usually at this point that your partner displays a willingness to listen to your recommendations and counsel. Remember, until a person feels validated by you, the focus will be on defending a particular position. And this destroys the forward movement of the discussion!

Validation allows a person to release their feelings in a healthy, safe and supportive manner. It’s also an effective tool to help you get to know the person better, thus building intimate bonds of care, support, acceptance, understanding and trust. By practicing the art of validation, you’ll display genuine concern for the feelings of another. In other words, you’ll demonstrate that your partner truly matters to you. And now, true healing can take place!